Introduction

Because there was no beach available, my wife and I were taking a long, romantic walk through the hardware store. There actually were beaches, but Pacific Northwest beaches are not very romantic unless romance blooms for you while limping on a twisted ankle through clouds of sand fleas and the stench of rotting kelp while clouds of seagulls overhead screech and poop like demonic Stukas, freezing briny water soaks through your socks, and flesh-eating bacteria take up residence in your barnacle-lacerated knee. Ergo, we were in the hardware store.

We took a detour to the wood stain aisle because I had some spare AK furniture that needed refinishing. While I agonized over the subtle distinctions between Colonial Maple and Red Oak, my wife perused the more exotic colors. My increasingly frantic indecision over which shade of red to use was interrupted by an elbow to the ribs.

"Here," my wife said, snickering in a most unladylike fashion, "you should use this color." She brandished a can of Ocean Blue.

I snorted. "Don't be silly! Who on Earth would stain AK furniture blue? Why, the very idea invites ridicule and contempt! All the high-speed, low-drag operators would be twisted into paroxysms of rage and disgust: First, I would be using wood instead of plastic; more importantly, the blue shade could compromise my position as I low-crawl toward a group of tangos. Anybody worth his drop-leg Kydex holster who saw an an AK with blue furniture could be discomfited to the point of huddling in the corner in a fetal position, whimpering and compulsively tightening his tactical magazine vest."

The blue stain cost $5.44 after tax.